Would I?

Would I lie...
to save your life?

Would I kill my career...
to save your life?

Would I panic
Loose my cool
Break down in pieces
And break all protocol and rules and law
Would I cross the line
If I knew I was gonna loose you?
If I knew I will never hear your voice again?
If I knew I would never see your smile again?

Would I give my heart
to save your life?

Yes

So don't ever die

We Are Legend

Ok, fine, i am half drunk... but these are the times when i write what i mean... un-edited blog of how i really feel.
Actually, i am half drunk for no particular reason... i am not sad, i am not depressed... i am actually happy... i am at this stage again when i realised my life is almost perfect.... so close... almost...
I got everything a gurl can ever dream of... a good paying part time job, a secure full time job awaiting after i finish study... i am doing well in my post graduate studies... i got friends who wants to spend time with me... i got my family who loves me... and i have a wonderful guy who loves me and forever will... in his own way... what more can a gurl want???

I almost have my happy ending...

But... i realised why i havent got my happy ending just yet...
I guess i am not ready to have a happy ending yet... for some unknown reason, i think dont deserve my happy ending yet... maybe i have done enough damage to people i love in the past, that i think my punishment is not yet finish...

Anyways... i am rambling now...
my point is... I am in love... with a guy who is in love with me...
we talked about our future home
our future dogs and cats
and our kids... our kids will be georgeous...

I am in love with a guy i fell in love with ten years ago
Who, at 19 yrs old, knew he will make me his wife
Who has seen the worst of me
And still love me anyways

I am in love with a guy i have been trying to get over
Who has been trying to get over me
Who was trying to be with others
Who kept on coming back to me

I am in love with a guy who has always been there for me
Who has failed me in so many levels
Yet has come through for me in many more levels

Our story deserve a medal
We made the perfect failed romance story
We tried and tried and tried
We changed who we were for each other
We gave up our dreams for each other
Didnt work...
We moved on
We started living for ourselves
We became cynics

But we never left each other
We loved each other through the distance
Through the pains
Through our new partners

Through it all
we still come home to each other

When i thought he has moved on
He came back to me
Over and over again
He came back to me

After all the years
The whole ten years
Of loving each other
Of hurting each other
Of longing for each other
Of hating each other

A weird mysterious forces of the universe happened
We missed our flights
and
we fell in love
again....

After all these
i now truly believe
no matter what happens

We are the stuff of legend

Home... Where is Home?

These last few days, I have this new unfamiliar feeling creeping into me... I do not understand it, I do not know what to do with it... I never thought it would ever be possible for me to feel this... given my circumstances and my choices in life... But there it is... I feel it now... and I do not like it...

I miss home... I want to go home...
But where is home?

I have moved around in my life, so much so that I don't know where home is anymore... Is this the karma now? Is this my punishment for leaving the people that I love? For running away?

I know how to handle loneliness, I know how to be alone and happy... I can take care of myself, I can take care of others... So why this? Why now? What does this mean?

Why do I want to go home now? Where is home? How did I get here? Where are my family? Where is home? Where else do I have to go to find home?

I want to feel that warmth... That feeling of being comfortable and safe... I want to know that everything will be ok... That I will be ok... I want that pet on the head, those embarrassing hugs and kisses... I want those long conversations in a cafe, I want those laughters and stupid jokes... I want to cook dinner for some one other than me... I want breakfast in bed... I want to lie in the sun in comfortable silence...

I am tired of trying... of going outside my comfort zone... of making an effort... of studying so hard... of proving myself... of telling myself it will all be alright...

I want to go home...
But damn it! Where is home? Damn it, where is it?!?

Insignificant

Here is what i think...
I think we are all so very insignificant
Our lives
Our hope
Our dreams
Are all insignificant... in the end

I have friends and family
Who cares about me
Who miss me
But
If i disappear
Everyone will move on with their lives

I will be missed
For a while
Then
Life goes on
For everyone

Dont get me wrong
I am not sad
or depressed
Just pondering
And realising
That i am the one and only person
That will forever be with me

People come and go in my life
I am the only constant companion I have
I am the only one who can keep me healthy
Who can keep me learning
Who can keep me happy

I am the only one
Who stuck around
Who tend to my wounds
Who cheers at my successes
Who pick me up from the shithole I get myself into sometimes

I love me
I will take care of me
Always
Forever

Because
Without me
I will be insignificant

My Thinking Style

Found this from Lia's blog... soooo true for me =)

Your Thinking is Concrete and Sequential

You are precise, orderly, and realistic. You tend to get to the point and get things done. Difficult, detailed work is easy for you. You take things step by step. Time limits aren't a problem for you either. You work well with deadlines. What does drive you crazy is any sort of task that isn't precisely laid out. You don't like anything to be ambiguous. You prefer to deal with the facts at hand.

What Kind of Thinker Are You?

Borrowed words

"I told myself I wont miss you... but I remember... what it feels like beside you..."
"I really miss you hair in my face... and the way your innocence taste... and I think you should now this... You deserve much better than me..."

Like everybody else

I hurt
Just like everybody else

I fall and crumble
I run and hide
Just like everybody else

I get scared
I get worried
Just like everybody else

I want hugs and kisses
I want companionship
I want to be loved
Just like everybody else

And just because
You dont see me cry
Just because
I held my head up high
And smile

Does not mean
I am heartless and cold

I hurt
Just like everybody else

Breathe Me (Sia)

Help!

I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And...

The worst part is there no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me
Wrap me up
Unfold me
I am strong
And needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch!
I have lost myself again
Lost myself
And I am nowhere to be found
Yet...
I think that I might brake
Lost myself again
And I feel un-save

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShYLVcneVn0&mode=related&search=

Today...

I miss you
Damn it!
I miss you

I miss the feel of you
I miss the comfort of you
I miss it all

All my defenses are broken again
and I miss you
My life goes on
but I miss you

My dreams my goals
My determination
My courage to fight
are all still there
but damn it I miss you

I have once said
I never knew the pain of homesickness
I never knew how to miss someone so acutely
Now I do

I miss you
and I want to go home

Confession of a Cynic

I remember once upon a time
When a kiss means something to me
A kiss from a boy that means he likes me
A naïve happiness of being kissed
Once upon a time

What have I done to destroy those simple happiness
Now a kiss is just a kiss
I gave it freely even when I don’t even like the boy
It is now cheap… free… meaningless
A cynic is born

Every kiss I receive was just a kiss
A meaningless touching of lips
A kiss does not say I like you
Only means you are here and convenient and I need some form of human touch

A cynic does not like anyone
Does not feel anything
A cynic does not trust anyone
Let alone love anyone
A cynic lives only for herself

A cynic kisses freely
Made lust freely
Walk away freely

Could a cynic ever really be kissed again?
Could a cynic ever like anyone again?
Could a cynic ever have the courage to love again?
Could a cynic ever trust anyone again?

How long can I stay a cynic?

Last year, I was kissed again for the first time after a long time
A kiss that lasts all nite
A kiss I remember days after
A kiss I want to have again
A cynic is broken

I remember the moment that kiss became a kiss
When I let go of my defences
When I thought “O hell… I will enjoy it this time”
When I really kiss him back
When my lips became the extension of my heart again

Without her defences
A cynic is lost
Questioning everything
Not believing, that to some people
A kiss is still a kiss

How could it be?
That the kiss really means something
That it is not something given freely
Not something cheap
Not something he gave to anyone convenient

Is it possible?
That a real kiss still exists?
That the kiss was meant for me, and not for just anyone?
That it was not nothing to the other person?
Can a cynic make herself believe again?

Is it possible?
That someone thinks she is worth kissing?
That he is not kissing someone else the way he kissed her?
That she deserves real kisses?

Please… all of you who reads this
Never judge a cynic

We have our reasons
We have our justifications
The world out there
Is not all rosy and nice

We cynics
Are born from broken hearts
We have loved so much give so much
We are empty lovers
No more energy to spare, no more heart to be broken again
Now we live for ourselves
We are the only people we know who will always be there for us

I am a cynic
I am sorry for the troubles I’ve caused
The hearts I broke
The questions I asked
The reassurance I need

It will take
A lot of convincing
A lot of reassurance
A lot of courage
For me to believe
That I have been kissed again

Maybe I will end up believing
Maybe I will end up being a cynic forever
Maybe one day
Someone will be brave enough to love a cynic
Brave enough to love me

Not My Fight

It was not my fight
Though my heart was jumping out of my chest
My tears swallowed by the ocean of impossibility
My pain goes un-noticed
My tears and pain has no place
It was not my fight

Someone else deserve the happiness
Someone else deserve the laughter
Someone else deserve the warmth
I cannot fight for something I do not deserve
I cannot fight for something that is not mine

But one day I will fight
For the happiness I deserve
For the laughter I deserve
For the warmth I deserve
For the love I knew to be mine

But not today
This one is not my fight
Though my armour and weapons are ready
My blood boils with adrenalin
I could not strike
It was not my place
It was not my fight
He is not mine

Melbourne, 16 May 2008

“I am not afraid to keep on living...
I am not afraid to walk this world alone...”

It’s been awhile I know. Life goes on. Things change. I change. I live!
I live again. After so long, I live again. This time for me. I live for me.
After being stripped off my armour... I stood naked again. And all I could see was me.
No job, no title, no relationships, no failure, no success... Just me. And I start from there...
I rebuilt my life, regain my control over me.
Step by step... my stride became stronger
I collect the pieces of respect I have lost along the way
Pieces of confidence
Pieces of love
I now once again walk with pride
Every step I take now I took for me
And every step will take me closer to who I will become
Whoever that will be
My journey will not be easy... it was never easy
But I will take it now, I will do it, I will make it

I am ready to live again...
I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone

when the end meets the beginning...

Jakarta, 18 January 2008

Today is my last day

My last day as an analyst in my current workplace

My last day of sitting here in this almost-homely business loung

My last day of living in a luxurious five star hotel

I should be jumping for joy

As I have earned my freedom at last

I finished with a big bang

With a succesful project

Yet I am partially scared...

Now I have no excuse

I have nothing to blame

I have nowhere to hide

Now I have to handle my personal problems

I have to heal my wounds

I have to live

I cannot hide behind work anymore

I cannot use my tight schedules as an excuse anymore

I cannot occupy my mind with work anymore

I now have to face what was lying underneath all of those excuses

I am scared of having to face my life

I am scared of having to be me again

Fuck! I even may have to start dating again

Or even worst... I may have to start to care again

Truth be told

The job did not derstroy me

It may actually helped

It makes me stronger

More importantly

It gave me a place to hide

Truth be told

I am addicted to the pain the job has given me

I can at least handle that pain

I can survive that

But can I survive the other pains?

The ones that has been eating me up from the inside

The ones that I tried not to acknowledge at all

The ones that I tried to hide...

I am still standing so far

Hanging on to dear life

Keeping busy with books and movies

Drowning myself in victional people's lifes

I plead and I plead now

To a God or to the universe...

Save me

Help me

Keep me strong

Keep me standing

Keep me alive...

Small Victory... Big Step for Tan

Jakarta, 17 January 2008

Woah... What a day...

Again I am sitting in my little corner of the business lounge

This time dressed in my best business attire

Black matching suit and a white shirt

With my loyal glass of red wine, cigarettes and laptop

But this time I have a big smile on my face

This time I feel like I deserve to be here

Among all the succesful looking business people

This time I feel like I am one of them

Put raise your glasses my friends

I am celebrating

Today I am celebrating my own success

I have aced the project I am doing

Almost single handedly

My client was impressed

Other peers was impressed and was actually happy

And this person is rearely happy with whatever work we do

I have done a god job

No... I have done a fantastic job

I have handled all my problems, work or non work related

And I have done a good job

On the rare occasion in my life

I am patting myself on the back

And I am proud of myself

I did it!!!!!

Letting go

Jakarta, 16 January 2008

Right.., here I am again in this luxurious business lounge, staring into the sparkling city view of Jakarta. And again, I am accompanied by my glass of red wine (second one by now), cigarttes, and laptop computer. I have my ipod in my ears, drowning the noise of the busy lounge. It is very busy here tonite. Business men gathering around tables discussing… businesses… some lone ones staring into their laptops intently. Wine, beer, booze flows freely, happy hour =) I watched them all, feels a bit unreal.

Strangely enough, tonite I embrace my solitude… my quite little corner in the lounge, with my own music playing in my ears. I have to let it go. I am letting go…

You know, one of my worst nightmares is to end up alone. To die alone. Maybe with a cat. But die with most of my life unshared. Noone to witness my existence. Slowly wasting away on my own. I know people would miss me when I die, I have enough friends who cared enough to miss me. They will cry and mourn my loss. And before I die, I will have enough money to support my old self. I will have enough money to pay for the most luxurious old people’s home. I will have the suite. I will have a very handsome young gardener. I will be me until I die.
Don’t get me wrong… I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of living through the years before I die.

Anyways… I do have a point in this posting. Letting go. How do you know when to let go? Its one of those unanswerable questions I have. People say fight for it… people also say let go. Which one should I do?

I guess this is confusing for some who doesn’t know my history. That’s ok, you will understand in time, as I pour more of my heart into this. Let’s get one thing straight though, most of the times when I write something that is truly from my heart, I am under the influence of alcohol… as I am ordering my third glass of red wine now. Hey, it’s fucking free.

So, back to the question. How do you know when to let go? Here are the lyrics of the song that described me:

“Come to bed don’t make me sleep alone
Couldn’t hide the emptiness I’ll let it show
Never wanted it to be so cold
Just didn’t drink enough to say you love me
I can’t hold on to me
Wonder what’s wrong with me
….
Don’t wanna let it lay me down this time
Drown my will to fly
Here in the darkness I know myself
Can’t break free until I let it go
Let me go….
…
Darling I forgive you after all
Anything is better than to be alone
And in the end I guess I have to fall
Always find my place among the ashes
…
I can’t hold on to me
Wonder what’s wrong with me…
…
…. I’m gonna let it go…

And so the thoughts come to life...

Jakarta, 11 January 2008

How funny this life is
This 28 year old girl
Sitting alone in a fancy 5 star hotel business lounge
Enjoying a fine glass of red wine and a cigarette
Looking out the window to a view of a city she grew up in
Writing a report trying to help this God forsaken country
Who would have thought this girl is me now

In this funny world
People would have thought that I have made it
I have become someone important
With success written all over my forehead
An Indonesian girl living in a foreign country
Earning a good living and going somewhere with her life

Who would have thought I would be this girl
And yes, I am still a girl
As the successful looking business man next to me pointed out
She is young and unmarried
Chasing her career first before anything else

But what is that something else
Family? Kids?
Normality?
Happiness?

I wonder if anyone who sees me here
Ever thought that I am here because I have nowhere else to be
No one to be with
No home to come back to

The night city lights now sparkle in front of me
The vast world is out there still
And I am here, with my wine, cigarette, laptop computer…
Alone

How did it all begin?

Here I am joining the millions of people who has found refuge in the blog world. I guess we all need some sort of an outlet, somewhere we can express ourselves, our opinion, our thoughts or just share random fun facts. Like the fact that male swans have penises.

We digress... I think, I will enjoy this blogging thing. I have many thoughts that I have not shared with anyone, I have a lot of questions I could not answer. Though someone has said to me "never ask a question that has no answer". Very wise. But I cant help it. I have plenty of those unanswerable questions. A lot of problems I cannot solve, or maybe they are unsolveable.

But anyways, I want to be able to share all my thoughts here. I hope this space would create a save space for me to express my thoughts and may be feelings (eeekkksss...), and for anyone who wants to comment or post things as well. I expect no judgement to what I write here, and in return, I will not place judgement to any comments or postings. I expect this space would be a very personal space for me. But that does not mean I dont want comments, I do. I want to discuss things, argue, debate things that matters to me and hopefully that matters to anyone else.



So... now that my introduction is over, here is how it all begins for me.. how I come to blogging...

I was alone in my luxurious five star hotel room... my personal luxurious prison. I was completing a project in Jakarta, Indonesia. I have four more days to work. And my work was manageable, which was a change from the normal un-manageable panicy save-me-from-this-shit schedule and deadlines. So I was just wasting time before moving from my room to the executive business lounge to do my work, when my friend invite me to look at her blog. Blog??? What the hell is that?? (Ok, I know, I know, what century was I born in right? I'm just a bit slow and reluctant to join the online world, only just join Facebook... and already addicted to it.)

So I checked out my friend's blog, which is: http://shotliverfreak.blogspot.com/ and thought.. this is cool.. I like the idea. Then as my day progressed, things happen and I started to think. I have so much to say... not to anyone in particular really... but I have so much to say, and never had a place to say it. So many thoughts have been locked up within me... and few days passed and the locked up thoughts are starting to resurface. It feels like my thoughts knew, that now they will have a place, a space to exist outside of my head. And my thoughts are relieved, now they can trully exist...



And so tonite it begun... my thoughts will no longer be prisoners in my head. They have a space to exist savely.