when the end meets the beginning...

Jakarta, 18 January 2008

Today is my last day

My last day as an analyst in my current workplace

My last day of sitting here in this almost-homely business loung

My last day of living in a luxurious five star hotel

I should be jumping for joy

As I have earned my freedom at last

I finished with a big bang

With a succesful project

Yet I am partially scared...

Now I have no excuse

I have nothing to blame

I have nowhere to hide

Now I have to handle my personal problems

I have to heal my wounds

I have to live

I cannot hide behind work anymore

I cannot use my tight schedules as an excuse anymore

I cannot occupy my mind with work anymore

I now have to face what was lying underneath all of those excuses

I am scared of having to face my life

I am scared of having to be me again

Fuck! I even may have to start dating again

Or even worst... I may have to start to care again

Truth be told

The job did not derstroy me

It may actually helped

It makes me stronger

More importantly

It gave me a place to hide

Truth be told

I am addicted to the pain the job has given me

I can at least handle that pain

I can survive that

But can I survive the other pains?

The ones that has been eating me up from the inside

The ones that I tried not to acknowledge at all

The ones that I tried to hide...

I am still standing so far

Hanging on to dear life

Keeping busy with books and movies

Drowning myself in victional people's lifes

I plead and I plead now

To a God or to the universe...

Save me

Help me

Keep me strong

Keep me standing

Keep me alive...