Letting go

Jakarta, 16 January 2008

Right.., here I am again in this luxurious business lounge, staring into the sparkling city view of Jakarta. And again, I am accompanied by my glass of red wine (second one by now), cigarttes, and laptop computer. I have my ipod in my ears, drowning the noise of the busy lounge. It is very busy here tonite. Business men gathering around tables discussing… businesses… some lone ones staring into their laptops intently. Wine, beer, booze flows freely, happy hour =) I watched them all, feels a bit unreal.

Strangely enough, tonite I embrace my solitude… my quite little corner in the lounge, with my own music playing in my ears. I have to let it go. I am letting go…

You know, one of my worst nightmares is to end up alone. To die alone. Maybe with a cat. But die with most of my life unshared. Noone to witness my existence. Slowly wasting away on my own. I know people would miss me when I die, I have enough friends who cared enough to miss me. They will cry and mourn my loss. And before I die, I will have enough money to support my old self. I will have enough money to pay for the most luxurious old people’s home. I will have the suite. I will have a very handsome young gardener. I will be me until I die.
Don’t get me wrong… I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of living through the years before I die.

Anyways… I do have a point in this posting. Letting go. How do you know when to let go? Its one of those unanswerable questions I have. People say fight for it… people also say let go. Which one should I do?

I guess this is confusing for some who doesn’t know my history. That’s ok, you will understand in time, as I pour more of my heart into this. Let’s get one thing straight though, most of the times when I write something that is truly from my heart, I am under the influence of alcohol… as I am ordering my third glass of red wine now. Hey, it’s fucking free.

So, back to the question. How do you know when to let go? Here are the lyrics of the song that described me:

“Come to bed don’t make me sleep alone
Couldn’t hide the emptiness I’ll let it show
Never wanted it to be so cold
Just didn’t drink enough to say you love me
I can’t hold on to me
Wonder what’s wrong with me
….
Don’t wanna let it lay me down this time
Drown my will to fly
Here in the darkness I know myself
Can’t break free until I let it go
Let me go….
…
Darling I forgive you after all
Anything is better than to be alone
And in the end I guess I have to fall
Always find my place among the ashes
…
I can’t hold on to me
Wonder what’s wrong with me…
…
…. I’m gonna let it go…