Coming undone...

What have you done to me?
I have come undone
Under your spell
I am helpless and lost
Unfamiliar emotions come over me

My defences unwillingly unravelled
Leaving me exposed
And then you walked away
How am i to change my ways
When you are not man enough see this through...

Give me a chance...
Don’t break me now

I am what I am
I have my reasons
But i wasn’t always this way
Save me
Give me a reason to change
Prove me wrong

But i can see you already walking away
I am too much to handle
Not your responsibility

Who’s gonna save me now?

Please don’t go...
If only i am brave enough to say the things i want to say
To take the risk
Would you stay?

The beginning of the end of a cynic...

I am lost for words
I don’t know where to start
To explain the war raging within me
My logic fighting for dear life
Against my heart
Who is winning?
Will i survive this fight?

I am still a cynic
I am still unable to let go of my fears
And fears i have a lot of
Of things i do not understand
Of things i cannot control
Of matters of the heart...

Four years have passed
Since i declared myself a cynic
Questioning everything
Not believing in anything
Not trusting anyone
Using sex as a defence mechanism

How do i turn back?
To being a normal human being
Who doesn’t cringe at the thought of intimacy

I don’t know how to do this...
I don’t know how to allow myself to feel
Without being ready to run
Without being so damn scared all the time

How do i not stop right at the start?
Make my decision and cut all ties before they are even tied
Rule out any uncertainty

I don’t know how to be close...
Without being sexual
Without offering my body so that they won’t ask for me heart

I don’t know what to do next...
I don’t know how to wait and see
I don’t know how to deal with not knowing

I am scared
Being a cynic has given me sanction
From the life i am afraid to live
From the pain i am afraid i cannot handle

Without my defences
Without sex
Without being cynic
I am weak
I am lost
I am exposed

What now?
What do i do now?
How do i return to the life i want to live
Without falling apart
Without fucking things up

How do i make myself believe
That i am worth more than my body
That i am not just a good fuck
That i am more than an accidental freak of nature

Why am i so fucked up?
What happened?
When did i start to stop feeling?
And what the fuck am i suppose to do when someone finally see right through me and poke holes into my defences????

Bare naked truth

I am drunk... definitely... i can feel it in my guts... i can feel it in my head...
How much more raw can you get... when you write a line under the influence of this much alcohol...
Alone... in a foreign country... truly and utterly alone
How many of you my faithful readers have ever felt well and truly alone
Like the world outside is not real... like this life in unreal
What is real... the only thing that is real is you... you alone is real everything else is not
That i am not writing this godforsaken document
That i am not just struggling to make sense of what it is that i am doing
That i just left everything i know and love
That i just ran away from whatever it is i was running away from
From this complete and utter heartbreak
Of a live shattered and broken
Of a live i never dreamt of and yet made to believe was possible
Once again shattered dreams
Yet not much tears was shed for the loss of a life never to be lived
Never you mind
I am here now
Alone in a foreign country trying to make it
I can do this
As raw as my emotions are right now
I know i will make it
Blast the person who has hurt me so
Blast all this pretence of not being hurt
Blast all the political correctness of believing that all is good
I am not ok, i am lost and lonely and have no fucking idea what will become of me
All this time
I am waiting for the rain
I am waiting for the rain that will wash away all my tears
Tears i have not cried
Tears i cannot cry
Even through this drunken raw state
I can still have my logic stopping me from crying
Stopping me from misspelling my words
With the loud thumping sounds
With the strum of heavy electric guitar
I move my head and nodded to the sounds that will make me forget about this shit
I can do this
I will prevail
When you have look at loneliness in the eyes
Starred into the face of utter loneliness
And live to see another day
Live to smile at another stranger on the bus
Live to convince everyone else in your life that you are ok
Live to walk into another day
Live to know that one day you will die in the arm of loneliness
There is nothing else to fear
Yet the desire to run is there
The smallest hint of hope
That if you keep on running you will be ok
If you keep on moving
Put your faith in the hands of strangers
You will be able to out run loneliness
How much i want to be in someone’s arms right now
To forget this physical loneliness
And melt into another lonely soul’s arms
But i will sleep alone tonite
That i am sure of
Will i be lonely tonite
Maybe not...
Enough wine will keep me from being alone
But the alcohol is wearing out even now
I know what i have written
I will shower and sober up before i go to bed
I will sleep tight
And not let the bed bugs bite

The Winter of My Heart...

This is my life... its different from it was before...

And i cannot find words to describe it now... i have tried... all i ended up doing was stare at the window, watch the world whizz pass me while the soundtrack of my life plays loudly in my own ear...

I want to express how i feel but i still cannot find the words...
How can you express your life?
How can you savour the amazing feeling of discovering something new?
How can you explain how your heart thawed, after a long time of being cold and dead, it finally sees spring, slowly accepting warmth from outside, absorbing it with such hunger and need, then slowly it blooms... filling up your chest with hope and desire... so much that you are afraid you will burst... when your head and logic has not catch up with the burning desire of your heart...

The golden lock is open...

I needed the cold, the beauty of snow falling, the chill, the wet feet and frozen fingers... i needed to feel cold from the outside... and now i feel like after a long cold winter, my heart is ready for spring...
I am here at the right time... i needed all my experiences... i needed to admit defeat, i needed to feel the pain that was numbed by the cold before, i needed to accept my vulnerability...

I saw it... in someone else’s eyes... beautiful vulnerable eyes staring at me... needing me... forced me to see into those eyes and saw mine... how fragile my frozen state was... how difficult it was for me to try to keep myself together... all my energy went to that... through those eyes i saw how pointless all that was... how stingy i was in letting people in... those eyes showed me his soul... and i saw mine reflected in them... we are all lonely... we are all alone... that nite we needed each other... and how great that was to share each other’s loneliness... even only for one night...

I shared a part of me that night... something i have not done for a long time... i let someone see my soul through my eyes, through my lips, through my fingers... what i get in return... something i cannot ever forget... i received a part of him... how great that was... to share a secret so sacred... to bare ones soul and let another’s in... to finally let go of all defences and accept the need to be with someone... to feel all you feel reflected back at you... to find relief in each others’ arms...
We shared something special that nite... and i cannot comprehend my feelings about it... i want more... is this is what it feels to have sex now... without all my defences getting in the way... i want more...

I never want to forget this feeling... i never want to forget his eyes staring into mine, i don’t want to forget the need i felt, the warmth i felt... i never want to forget how i let go and let myself be held...
I want to be held again... i need to be held again... i am lonely and i need company... now that i have had this... i want more... i didn’t realise what i was missing...

Now shamelessly... i admit... i need some human company, i need some human affection... i need someone to love me... someone to want me... and i am afraid... that i wont find this... i am afraid of the loneliness i will have to endure... i fear the emptiness that comes with knowing what i do not have...
I am holding on to a golden thread... i pray this thread will not break... i do not want to go back to being cold... i want this winter of my heart to see spring and welcomed summer... but i am afraid that i will return to my endless winter...

Fabulously Thirty

I am fuckin thirty... believe it or not i have made it this far... gravity shall not take over and i shall continue to look hot and attract hot young men... hahahhahaha

But anyways... it does hit me a bit... turning 30... made me think... what have i done in my short 30 years of life... not much really... i would like to have done more... but then again... i am my own worse critique, so... instead of wallowing in the things i have not done or have not achieve... i shall try to think very hard about what i have achieved in my life so far... (it was actually hard!!! had to stop, take a ciggy break from thinking too hard, and come back and complete this blimmin list!!)

But nevertheless... here is 30 things i have done and are proud of...

1. I am financially independent, have been since I was 27

2. I am a BABE = Bachelor of Arts (Philosophy) and Bachelor of Engineering (Mechanical)

3. I have a Masters Degree

4. I put myself through post graduate studies

5. I have bought myself a car out of my own money when I was around 21

6. I have gone through the dark tunnel of depression and came out sane... ok... maybe not totally sane...

7. I have been in love

8. I have loved someone enough to let him go... and continue to love him

9. I have built a life for myself in 2 new cities: first one in Auckland, started at 17, second one in Melbourne, started at 28

10. I have made lifelong friends

11. I have been a finalist in a beauty contest (yeah I know... eeeeekkkk)

12. I have been to 22 countries

13. I have never failed a unit/a subject in my life (including primary, elementary, high school, uni and post grad)

14. I got my first full time job without any family connections or any connections at all... fair and square

15. I have out drank a Russian, a Croatian and an American

16. I can drive a manual car

17. I have never truly hated anyone in my life

18. I have accepted and understood that my view of the world is mine and mine only, everyone else have a different view of the world and do not have to agree with me

19. I have slept with 16 people

20. I look hot in a bikini

21. I look hot naked... hahahhahahaha

22. I had the highest GPA (well... similar anyways) in junior high... highest in Central Jakarta schools

23. I am friends will all my ex... all of them are on my facebook!

24. I have accepted myself... I am who I am, will all my flaws... and I am still learning about myself

25. I can cook some fantastic meals... though not quite that good with baking...

26. I don’t have any major debts (credit card debt is there, but easily payable...)

27. I was Head Girl in year 1 of high school in Jakarta

28. I was in my junior high and high school basketball team

29. I have saved around $35,000 NZD in 2 years and 2 months

30. I have flown business class and once in first class

And throughout my little life and my few achievements... i am grateful for all the friends i have made... without you, my list would have been a lot shorter...

small tania...







teen tania... scary...





adult tania... hahahahahahah

Bit more confession =)

i am scared ... i dont know what my future will be,.. i wanted something i have trained myself not to want for the last 4 years... a family... i wanted to belong again... i have given up on this before... decided that i belong only to me... no matter where i am... who i am with... i belong only to me... i dont need to be accepted... i dont need to belong to anyone or anything... i was ok with that... i was ok to belong to me... untilll

i found somewhere i belong

then things fall into place... i have him... he wants me... again... i have a chance to have a family... an idea i gave up on four years ago... now i want it... i want it so bad it scared me.... maybe i wont grow old alone after all... maybe my life will not go by un-noticed after all...

now what?

i envy you ... you who has a streght i never possessed... you can handle emotions and still be sane... i am afraid i cannot... i dont even know how to cry...

i will be ok tho... there is always logic... pragmatism and logic who will always save my day... its just that times like now... i wish i know what to feel.. i wish i know how to hope but not expect..

Truth is...

I am getting old... hahhahaha well not really... but getting older for sure...
But old habits die hard.. i still write when i am half drunk... so excuse my rambling once again... this was after almost 1 bottle of wine... good thing is... i wasnt drinking on my own this time... had my lovely retard friend to keep me company =)

But anyways... i am yet again in a cross road in my life... well not really... i dont know where i am at the moment.. in transition is probably the best way to describe it... i dont even know where to begin...

I love melbourne... but i guess i love the one that i love more...
its strange that i want all this... that i want someone... i want a companion.., i want a family...
and now i have a chance of getting it... i am scared...

i have built my life... construct my future so that i can handle being alone... chasing money and career to my own satisfaction... with no regards to my future... my health... my life or death... death will come eventually... i am not being morbid... just realistic... i know i am going to die one day... so to fill time before that happens... i have career and money...

but now i wanted more... i want him... i want a future... if i am going to have kids.. i want to see them grow... i want to be a good parent... this is all too scary... how to deal with all these shit??? how to deal with a future that involve other people??? it is not rational to want all this... all humans are selfish... and i am selfish... so why do i care??? how do i care???

how do i care without losing myself???????

someone tell me how... please.... in my half drunkeness... only in this state can i ask... please... i dont know how to do this.....

i dont know how to live my life as normal... knowing that my future is somewhere else... i want it sooo bad... i want manila... i want a chance to make this happen....

god please give me this chance...
and if i dont get this chance... god give me the strength to re-built the wall of defence that is now broken............................