Bit more confession =)

i am scared ... i dont know what my future will be,.. i wanted something i have trained myself not to want for the last 4 years... a family... i wanted to belong again... i have given up on this before... decided that i belong only to me... no matter where i am... who i am with... i belong only to me... i dont need to be accepted... i dont need to belong to anyone or anything... i was ok with that... i was ok to belong to me... untilll

i found somewhere i belong

then things fall into place... i have him... he wants me... again... i have a chance to have a family... an idea i gave up on four years ago... now i want it... i want it so bad it scared me.... maybe i wont grow old alone after all... maybe my life will not go by un-noticed after all...

now what?

i envy you ... you who has a streght i never possessed... you can handle emotions and still be sane... i am afraid i cannot... i dont even know how to cry...

i will be ok tho... there is always logic... pragmatism and logic who will always save my day... its just that times like now... i wish i know what to feel.. i wish i know how to hope but not expect..