The beginning of the end of a cynic...

I am lost for words
I don’t know where to start
To explain the war raging within me
My logic fighting for dear life
Against my heart
Who is winning?
Will i survive this fight?

I am still a cynic
I am still unable to let go of my fears
And fears i have a lot of
Of things i do not understand
Of things i cannot control
Of matters of the heart...

Four years have passed
Since i declared myself a cynic
Questioning everything
Not believing in anything
Not trusting anyone
Using sex as a defence mechanism

How do i turn back?
To being a normal human being
Who doesn’t cringe at the thought of intimacy

I don’t know how to do this...
I don’t know how to allow myself to feel
Without being ready to run
Without being so damn scared all the time

How do i not stop right at the start?
Make my decision and cut all ties before they are even tied
Rule out any uncertainty

I don’t know how to be close...
Without being sexual
Without offering my body so that they won’t ask for me heart

I don’t know what to do next...
I don’t know how to wait and see
I don’t know how to deal with not knowing

I am scared
Being a cynic has given me sanction
From the life i am afraid to live
From the pain i am afraid i cannot handle

Without my defences
Without sex
Without being cynic
I am weak
I am lost
I am exposed

What now?
What do i do now?
How do i return to the life i want to live
Without falling apart
Without fucking things up

How do i make myself believe
That i am worth more than my body
That i am not just a good fuck
That i am more than an accidental freak of nature

Why am i so fucked up?
What happened?
When did i start to stop feeling?
And what the fuck am i suppose to do when someone finally see right through me and poke holes into my defences????