Bit more confession =)

i am scared ... i dont know what my future will be,.. i wanted something i have trained myself not to want for the last 4 years... a family... i wanted to belong again... i have given up on this before... decided that i belong only to me... no matter where i am... who i am with... i belong only to me... i dont need to be accepted... i dont need to belong to anyone or anything... i was ok with that... i was ok to belong to me... untilll

i found somewhere i belong

then things fall into place... i have him... he wants me... again... i have a chance to have a family... an idea i gave up on four years ago... now i want it... i want it so bad it scared me.... maybe i wont grow old alone after all... maybe my life will not go by un-noticed after all...

now what?

i envy you ... you who has a streght i never possessed... you can handle emotions and still be sane... i am afraid i cannot... i dont even know how to cry...

i will be ok tho... there is always logic... pragmatism and logic who will always save my day... its just that times like now... i wish i know what to feel.. i wish i know how to hope but not expect..

Truth is...

I am getting old... hahhahaha well not really... but getting older for sure...
But old habits die hard.. i still write when i am half drunk... so excuse my rambling once again... this was after almost 1 bottle of wine... good thing is... i wasnt drinking on my own this time... had my lovely retard friend to keep me company =)

But anyways... i am yet again in a cross road in my life... well not really... i dont know where i am at the moment.. in transition is probably the best way to describe it... i dont even know where to begin...

I love melbourne... but i guess i love the one that i love more...
its strange that i want all this... that i want someone... i want a companion.., i want a family...
and now i have a chance of getting it... i am scared...

i have built my life... construct my future so that i can handle being alone... chasing money and career to my own satisfaction... with no regards to my future... my health... my life or death... death will come eventually... i am not being morbid... just realistic... i know i am going to die one day... so to fill time before that happens... i have career and money...

but now i wanted more... i want him... i want a future... if i am going to have kids.. i want to see them grow... i want to be a good parent... this is all too scary... how to deal with all these shit??? how to deal with a future that involve other people??? it is not rational to want all this... all humans are selfish... and i am selfish... so why do i care??? how do i care???

how do i care without losing myself???????

someone tell me how... please.... in my half drunkeness... only in this state can i ask... please... i dont know how to do this.....

i dont know how to live my life as normal... knowing that my future is somewhere else... i want it sooo bad... i want manila... i want a chance to make this happen....

god please give me this chance...
and if i dont get this chance... god give me the strength to re-built the wall of defence that is now broken............................