Bare naked truth

I am drunk... definitely... i can feel it in my guts... i can feel it in my head...
How much more raw can you get... when you write a line under the influence of this much alcohol...
Alone... in a foreign country... truly and utterly alone
How many of you my faithful readers have ever felt well and truly alone
Like the world outside is not real... like this life in unreal
What is real... the only thing that is real is you... you alone is real everything else is not
That i am not writing this godforsaken document
That i am not just struggling to make sense of what it is that i am doing
That i just left everything i know and love
That i just ran away from whatever it is i was running away from
From this complete and utter heartbreak
Of a live shattered and broken
Of a live i never dreamt of and yet made to believe was possible
Once again shattered dreams
Yet not much tears was shed for the loss of a life never to be lived
Never you mind
I am here now
Alone in a foreign country trying to make it
I can do this
As raw as my emotions are right now
I know i will make it
Blast the person who has hurt me so
Blast all this pretence of not being hurt
Blast all the political correctness of believing that all is good
I am not ok, i am lost and lonely and have no fucking idea what will become of me
All this time
I am waiting for the rain
I am waiting for the rain that will wash away all my tears
Tears i have not cried
Tears i cannot cry
Even through this drunken raw state
I can still have my logic stopping me from crying
Stopping me from misspelling my words
With the loud thumping sounds
With the strum of heavy electric guitar
I move my head and nodded to the sounds that will make me forget about this shit
I can do this
I will prevail
When you have look at loneliness in the eyes
Starred into the face of utter loneliness
And live to see another day
Live to smile at another stranger on the bus
Live to convince everyone else in your life that you are ok
Live to walk into another day
Live to know that one day you will die in the arm of loneliness
There is nothing else to fear
Yet the desire to run is there
The smallest hint of hope
That if you keep on running you will be ok
If you keep on moving
Put your faith in the hands of strangers
You will be able to out run loneliness
How much i want to be in someone’s arms right now
To forget this physical loneliness
And melt into another lonely soul’s arms
But i will sleep alone tonite
That i am sure of
Will i be lonely tonite
Maybe not...
Enough wine will keep me from being alone
But the alcohol is wearing out even now
I know what i have written
I will shower and sober up before i go to bed
I will sleep tight
And not let the bed bugs bite

The Winter of My Heart...

This is my life... its different from it was before...

And i cannot find words to describe it now... i have tried... all i ended up doing was stare at the window, watch the world whizz pass me while the soundtrack of my life plays loudly in my own ear...

I want to express how i feel but i still cannot find the words...
How can you express your life?
How can you savour the amazing feeling of discovering something new?
How can you explain how your heart thawed, after a long time of being cold and dead, it finally sees spring, slowly accepting warmth from outside, absorbing it with such hunger and need, then slowly it blooms... filling up your chest with hope and desire... so much that you are afraid you will burst... when your head and logic has not catch up with the burning desire of your heart...

The golden lock is open...

I needed the cold, the beauty of snow falling, the chill, the wet feet and frozen fingers... i needed to feel cold from the outside... and now i feel like after a long cold winter, my heart is ready for spring...
I am here at the right time... i needed all my experiences... i needed to admit defeat, i needed to feel the pain that was numbed by the cold before, i needed to accept my vulnerability...

I saw it... in someone else’s eyes... beautiful vulnerable eyes staring at me... needing me... forced me to see into those eyes and saw mine... how fragile my frozen state was... how difficult it was for me to try to keep myself together... all my energy went to that... through those eyes i saw how pointless all that was... how stingy i was in letting people in... those eyes showed me his soul... and i saw mine reflected in them... we are all lonely... we are all alone... that nite we needed each other... and how great that was to share each other’s loneliness... even only for one night...

I shared a part of me that night... something i have not done for a long time... i let someone see my soul through my eyes, through my lips, through my fingers... what i get in return... something i cannot ever forget... i received a part of him... how great that was... to share a secret so sacred... to bare ones soul and let another’s in... to finally let go of all defences and accept the need to be with someone... to feel all you feel reflected back at you... to find relief in each others’ arms...
We shared something special that nite... and i cannot comprehend my feelings about it... i want more... is this is what it feels to have sex now... without all my defences getting in the way... i want more...

I never want to forget this feeling... i never want to forget his eyes staring into mine, i don’t want to forget the need i felt, the warmth i felt... i never want to forget how i let go and let myself be held...
I want to be held again... i need to be held again... i am lonely and i need company... now that i have had this... i want more... i didn’t realise what i was missing...

Now shamelessly... i admit... i need some human company, i need some human affection... i need someone to love me... someone to want me... and i am afraid... that i wont find this... i am afraid of the loneliness i will have to endure... i fear the emptiness that comes with knowing what i do not have...
I am holding on to a golden thread... i pray this thread will not break... i do not want to go back to being cold... i want this winter of my heart to see spring and welcomed summer... but i am afraid that i will return to my endless winter...